I don't know about you, but for me, life has been feeling different lately. It's hard to explain. I guess you could say it feels like I'm on the verge of something, and hopefully not a nervous breakdown.

On the outside, everything seems pretty much the same. I'm still at the same job. Everyone around me seems to be living their lives as usual. Nothing seems out of place. And yet I can't help but feel like by the end of this year, that'll no longer be the case.

It might be nothing. Maybe what they say is right and nothing ever happens. But my gut seems to be trying to tell me something lately. I have a few guesses as to why I might personally be feeling this way, but you'll need some eCash to keep reading. If you need some, just ask me for XEC on X @caincurrency.

So for one thing, I just hit 20 years at my day job. I don't know if I see that as an accomplishment, or as a wake up call.

The truth is I've been feeling pretty burned out. Back in 2021, I thought I'd be retired and living life as an eCash Xillionaire. Five years later, and I'd probably consider myself lucky if I get to keep my job for another 20 years.

Of course that's not the life I dreamed of. The life I dreamed of was one as a writer. I'm actually supposed to be working on my book right now, but I'm a little stuck so I decided to take a break. (Writing to take a break from writing, I guess that's what Proof of Writing was built for.)

Besides celebrating my 20 year anniversary at work, there's the book I just mentioned. I told myself I have to publish it this year. I've literally been working on this book since before I started working at my company. That's how long I've been working on it, and I guess it's time to finally see if I have what it takes, or move on with my life.

While a part of me likes to still believe in the dream, I know that realistically speaking, the odds aren't great. So yeah, if I finally finish, I actually publish my novel, I will have my answer, and no matter what it is, I can't imagine my life being quite the same. This is a goal I've been pursuing for my entire adult life. If by some miracle it does well, amazing, but if it doesn't do well, then what?

I've pretty much never been someone without a dream, so either I'll have to come up with a new one, or I'll have to accept my fate.

Which brings me to one last thing. I alluded to it in my last post, but it's about this faith journey I've been on. I still wouldn't say I'm close to calling myself a Christian, but I feel closer than I probably ever have. I've been learning a lot, and even started reading the New Testament. I guess I'm still searching, but hoping that one day I'll find what I'm seeking. And maybe if I do, even if my dreams don't come true, I'll find something else that's even more meaningful.

Thank you for reading.

2026: On the verge of...